billicious (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} billicious) wrote,@ 2008-05-11 15:11:00 |
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The year in review
I was going to start this out with something along the lines of "the last year was one of big ups, and large downs" - but realized that such a statement would be utterly redundant - recapping any given year in my life would start like that. So in the interest of brevity, here's my review:
The Good:
-A very upsetting a tumultuous event, which threatened to seriously hinder my future, was set to rest - uneasily, perhaps. A compromise position was laid out, wherein I accepted minor sanction and avoided a huge risk. Gaining closure on the Big Ugly Beast of a problem set the stage for creating my future, rather than doubting it.
-Both knees were finally fixed. It was a huge struggle, and it involved a lot of downs as well, but the end result is I got my body back. This is huge. I'm living life like I did when I was a kid, running, biking, hiking, living.
-I proved that I can take care of myself, and live independently. I make no secret of it, Kati was taking care of me financially and emotionally. I moved out of the house, assumed responsibilities, and have met them consistently. I'm every bit as capable as I knew I was, and I did it of my own accord. I made the empowered decision to take ownership over my own life.
-I started Gorham Street Productions, and its success has far outstripped that which I thought was possible. This is easily one of my proudest achievements.
-I graduated from UW-Madison after 9 years of college. Understand that as a child, the UW was my holy grail, although I was always told the way I would get there would be through athletic achievement. As a high school underachiever (and eventual drop out), the very notion of going to ANY COLLEGE seemed unlikely - no less going to a public ivy, and being extremely successful there. I proved something to myself (and this is going to be a theme of this post) - that my past mistakes/behavior/actions do not dictate future results. I'm a work in progress, and it's through those humiliating failures that I learn to better myself.
-I discovered the IMPORTANCE of unstructured time. Being ambitious and busy for most of my adult life, I always felt uneasy with my free time - like I needed to fill it with something to avoid discomfort. But over the winter, I discovered how important that time was to maintaining a sustainable mindset.
-I picked up my love of skiing and went crazy with it. I got to spend a lot of time doing something that was always a once-a-year treat. It was like having Christmas a couple times a week.
-I addressed the fact that I had anger issues. I *was* frustrated, and I was lashing out at those, perceived and real, who would have done wrong by me. I adopted the 24 hours of breathing technique towards dealing with those who anger me. Any action that's going to be taken will be just as righteous 24 hours after the fact, so it's best to re-evaluate then. Important towards gaining control over myself was learning that I needed to vent in small amounts, immediately, rather than bottling up until explosion. I'm a much happier person for having kicked anger out of my life.
-I have been significantly overweight since around 19, and made no progress in the struggle to lose it. That changed this last year. The new knees helped, for sure. From a peak 1.5 years ago, I've lost 45lbs. I'm looking muscular, not flabby, and I'm so proud of this!
-I reconnected with someone extremely important from my past, and that's been a huge relief. There are some people with whom you will always feel a connection, and it was astounding for me to regain the actual lines of communication to match that connection.
The bad:
-I lost not one, but two of my great loves. And while the story is complex and interwoven, the bottom line is that neither one of them (in present form) was functional and healthy. That isn't to say that progress couldn't have been made, but that would take synchronized effort - something that never came to be. I feel like a shell of a man, in some ways. It's a sobering feeling to realize that there isn't someone out there who thinks about you daily, and feels love for you. I've never had close family, and don't have much in the way of *close* friendships anymore, so I'm living life like an island. This is, in some ways, a very important experience for me. Much as my past academic failures led to extreme academic ambition, I anticipate that should I find myself in love with someone again, they'll receive 110% of everything I have to offer.
-Drama relating to relationship instability severely impacted a lot of my friendships. Perhaps I wasn't as important to them as they were to me, and that stings. I wish those friends would have discussed the situation with me, rather than simply falling for the damsel in distress routine. I'm being more selective about my friendships now, and perhaps more importantly, I'm paying attention to those enduring friendships that I never fully developed in the past. Sometimes, quiet and passive people slip by my radar - even though those people often end up being the best of friends. I'm trying to make sure that won't be an issue again.
-I temporarily gave up on law school. I'm not sure whether this belongs in the category of "the bad", as I have severe doubts as to the appropriateness of the legal profession for me and my lifestyle. Perhaps I just didn't think I could make a career out of entertainment production, and went for the $$ instead of the passion. I would love to *teach* law, but I'm not sure the practice is right for me. Either way, it was my single-minded goal for nearly a decade, and having given it up feels like a loss.
-I was too risk-averse to see an opportunity for a new start and take it. That's not to say that it would have been the right choice for me (in fact, I have a ton of evidence to the contrary) - but the decision was made, not out of a careful evaluation of the pros and cons, but out of an ingrained mindset which was unyielding. That's *not* the me I want to be.
-I didn't take proactive measures towards preventing bad impersonal events from occurring. When staring down the inevitable, it's best to just deal with it, rather than waiting until the situation comes to a head - yet that's not what I did. This can't be the way of things in the future.
-I've had The Roommate From Hell, and I don't know of any way to deal with her short of shooting her out of a cannon into the sun. If anyone finds any cannons for sale, let me know.
I'm sure I'll think of other things to put in this recap eventually. 27 was a good year, all said and done. The ending was really a huge downer, but when I sit down to write a description of myself a year ago versus the me of right now, I'm a much more marketable and happy person today.
I was going to start this out with something along the lines of "the last year was one of big ups, and large downs" - but realized that such a statement would be utterly redundant - recapping any given year in my life would start like that. So in the interest of brevity, here's my review:
The Good:
-A very upsetting a tumultuous event, which threatened to seriously hinder my future, was set to rest - uneasily, perhaps. A compromise position was laid out, wherein I accepted minor sanction and avoided a huge risk. Gaining closure on the Big Ugly Beast of a problem set the stage for creating my future, rather than doubting it.
-Both knees were finally fixed. It was a huge struggle, and it involved a lot of downs as well, but the end result is I got my body back. This is huge. I'm living life like I did when I was a kid, running, biking, hiking, living.
-I proved that I can take care of myself, and live independently. I make no secret of it, Kati was taking care of me financially and emotionally. I moved out of the house, assumed responsibilities, and have met them consistently. I'm every bit as capable as I knew I was, and I did it of my own accord. I made the empowered decision to take ownership over my own life.
-I started Gorham Street Productions, and its success has far outstripped that which I thought was possible. This is easily one of my proudest achievements.
-I graduated from UW-Madison after 9 years of college. Understand that as a child, the UW was my holy grail, although I was always told the way I would get there would be through athletic achievement. As a high school underachiever (and eventual drop out), the very notion of going to ANY COLLEGE seemed unlikely - no less going to a public ivy, and being extremely successful there. I proved something to myself (and this is going to be a theme of this post) - that my past mistakes/behavior/actions do not dictate future results. I'm a work in progress, and it's through those humiliating failures that I learn to better myself.
-I discovered the IMPORTANCE of unstructured time. Being ambitious and busy for most of my adult life, I always felt uneasy with my free time - like I needed to fill it with something to avoid discomfort. But over the winter, I discovered how important that time was to maintaining a sustainable mindset.
-I picked up my love of skiing and went crazy with it. I got to spend a lot of time doing something that was always a once-a-year treat. It was like having Christmas a couple times a week.
-I addressed the fact that I had anger issues. I *was* frustrated, and I was lashing out at those, perceived and real, who would have done wrong by me. I adopted the 24 hours of breathing technique towards dealing with those who anger me. Any action that's going to be taken will be just as righteous 24 hours after the fact, so it's best to re-evaluate then. Important towards gaining control over myself was learning that I needed to vent in small amounts, immediately, rather than bottling up until explosion. I'm a much happier person for having kicked anger out of my life.
-I have been significantly overweight since around 19, and made no progress in the struggle to lose it. That changed this last year. The new knees helped, for sure. From a peak 1.5 years ago, I've lost 45lbs. I'm looking muscular, not flabby, and I'm so proud of this!
-I reconnected with someone extremely important from my past, and that's been a huge relief. There are some people with whom you will always feel a connection, and it was astounding for me to regain the actual lines of communication to match that connection.
The bad:
-I lost not one, but two of my great loves. And while the story is complex and interwoven, the bottom line is that neither one of them (in present form) was functional and healthy. That isn't to say that progress couldn't have been made, but that would take synchronized effort - something that never came to be. I feel like a shell of a man, in some ways. It's a sobering feeling to realize that there isn't someone out there who thinks about you daily, and feels love for you. I've never had close family, and don't have much in the way of *close* friendships anymore, so I'm living life like an island. This is, in some ways, a very important experience for me. Much as my past academic failures led to extreme academic ambition, I anticipate that should I find myself in love with someone again, they'll receive 110% of everything I have to offer.
-Drama relating to relationship instability severely impacted a lot of my friendships. Perhaps I wasn't as important to them as they were to me, and that stings. I wish those friends would have discussed the situation with me, rather than simply falling for the damsel in distress routine. I'm being more selective about my friendships now, and perhaps more importantly, I'm paying attention to those enduring friendships that I never fully developed in the past. Sometimes, quiet and passive people slip by my radar - even though those people often end up being the best of friends. I'm trying to make sure that won't be an issue again.
-I temporarily gave up on law school. I'm not sure whether this belongs in the category of "the bad", as I have severe doubts as to the appropriateness of the legal profession for me and my lifestyle. Perhaps I just didn't think I could make a career out of entertainment production, and went for the $$ instead of the passion. I would love to *teach* law, but I'm not sure the practice is right for me. Either way, it was my single-minded goal for nearly a decade, and having given it up feels like a loss.
-I was too risk-averse to see an opportunity for a new start and take it. That's not to say that it would have been the right choice for me (in fact, I have a ton of evidence to the contrary) - but the decision was made, not out of a careful evaluation of the pros and cons, but out of an ingrained mindset which was unyielding. That's *not* the me I want to be.
-I didn't take proactive measures towards preventing bad impersonal events from occurring. When staring down the inevitable, it's best to just deal with it, rather than waiting until the situation comes to a head - yet that's not what I did. This can't be the way of things in the future.
-I've had The Roommate From Hell, and I don't know of any way to deal with her short of shooting her out of a cannon into the sun. If anyone finds any cannons for sale, let me know.
I'm sure I'll think of other things to put in this recap eventually. 27 was a good year, all said and done. The ending was really a huge downer, but when I sit down to write a description of myself a year ago versus the me of right now, I'm a much more marketable and happy person today.
